Bright words for dark days

Today is a typical October day in Chicago – it’s brisk and overcast, the leaves are beginning to turn and fall off, summer plants are reaching the end of their life or have been replaced by mums. Under normal circumstances, I love fall – the smell of the cold air, the vibrant foliage, excitement around upcoming holidays, anticipating crackling fires and apple cider so hot it burns your mouth. Today though, the ominous clouds hanging low overhead and the complete lack of sunshine make my mood all the more reflective of my current interpretation of the weather – dark. Gloomy. Depressing.

By nature, I’m very introspective. I could spend hours in self reflection without a second thought, and it’s as much a blessing as it is a curse. Case in point –
• I can learn very quickly from my mistakes and rarely repeat them more than once = good.
• I often spend far too much time worrying about the way events transpired, or paralyzed in fear of what’s to come = not so good.
Recent events in the marketplace, the uncertainty of our country’s future and sensationalist media (Dow drops 1000 points! The sky is falling! Etc…) doesn’t help my case. It also doesn’t help that I feel far from alone in my concerns. People outwardly discuss worry about their jobs, their homes, and their 401k balance in the way with as much casualty as the latest antics of Britney Spears. They want understanding and sympathy and someone to point the finger at RIGHT NOW.

But this is not the time for placing blame on greedy Wall Street, unethical Washington, or predatory mortgage brokers. Instead, now is a time that we all need to take responsibility.

-crickets-

Yes, I know it’s not your fault. You saved diligently before you bought your mortgage so you had a big down payment, you were educated about your financial situation, and you didn’t take a home equity loan you couldn’t afford to pay. And likely you were very, very far removed from anyone who had any direct responsibility. Chances are you were closer than you think. Even if all your money was in cash under a mattress (which I really doubt, knowing anything about my target audience) and you rented an apartment from your mother, this situation has touched nearly everyone. Even if you don’t know a single person who took a home equity line of credit only to later have to foreclosure on their home, you probably have a parent with a substantial amount of money in an IRA that was in a “safe” investment of CDOs (collaterized debt obligations, which are essentially a mutual fund of home loans). Perhaps your employer was affected by the credit crunch and backed away from the necessary capital to stay competitive because they were investing in a higher return mutual fund. But what does it really matter now? What can we do about it? As I tell the people who work for me “Blaming only wastes time and energy – don’t blame, create solutions.”

The fact is, there is very little we can do right now, so it might be prudent to do a little ostrich emulation (putting our heads in the sand). Make a disaster plan for what you could do if the sky really felt, and then put it away. Stop checking your 401k. Stop listening to the downward slope of the Dow (again) today. Surround yourself with as much positive energy as possible. Take joy in small things like hot apple cider and vibrant fall foliage. Do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return. Volunteer. Bake. Exercise.

There’s an interesting relationship between anger, worry and health. People involved in lengthy lawsuits nearly have a much higher incidence of serious health conditions. People who suffer depression are more likely to have accidents, develop cancer, and die of stroke. Financial uncertainty can cause depression.

It’s no coincidence that we are all so downtrodden.

Anyone who took Psych101 (and didn’t sleep through it completely) knows about the self-fulfilling prophecy, aka – what you focus on becomes reality. There is no stronger proof of this phenomenon than in the stock market. If everyone is scared that everything is going to hell with no recourse and promptly depletes every stock they own in order to keep all their money “liquid”, guess what – the stock market drops.

Focus on what you can control, not what you cannot. If you have people who work for you, focus on helping your employees improve at their jobs, instead of where your next paycheck is going to come from, or whether you will be the impact of a job cut to reduce expenses. If you work for someone, focus on adding value and continuous improvement, so you can be resilient in times of change. Do your best and relish in the sense of satisfaction of a job well done. Help someone less fortunate to give yourself some perspective. Tell your family and friends how much they mean to you and watch how rich you suddenly feel.

I’m always amazed that we live in one of the richest nations of all time and we still complain about how much we lack. It’s sad that we rarely talk about how much we have. In times when I dwell on fear and impending financial doom, Mr. Cents has a way to ground me like no other – by talking about the “worst thing that could happen”. The conversation usually goes something like this:

And what if you lost your job, what would happen then? I would have to try and find a new job. But if I couldn’t in time, we would not be able to pay our bills.
And what then?
We would lose our savings, our house and all our things.
And why would that be so bad?
We would have to start over from scratch.
And why would that be so disastrous?
We wouldn’t have a place to live.
You’re saying if we were completely destitute we would have no where to turn?
Well, I suppose we could live with our parents or our friends until we were able to get on our feet.
And that’s the worst that could happen? Is that really so bad? Is that the end of the world?
Well, it would be awful, but I guess…we would survive.
Right, we would survive. And we could pick ourselves up again.

He's so smart.

Though I’m no stranger to dark days, I do see much brighter days ahead. Money means nothing if you don’t have something to live for, and we have far more than we need to survive. That, my dear readers, is true wealth.

Whenever life gets particularly difficult, I turn to an inspiring passage left on a church pew by an unknown author in the late 17th century. It’s still as true today as it was hundreds years ago. Below is an excerpt of the Desirada. I hope you get as much peace and satisfaction out of it as I do:

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding in an ordered manner. Therefore, be at peace with nature and the mysterious process of evolution, whatever you conceive it to be; and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, strive to maintain your own inner peace while you do those things bring you happiness and contribute to the survival of humanity. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

I'm blue

While attending a trade show recently I wandered into an interesting booth and took a personality test from a source I’d never heard of. I think it was this marketing tactic that swayed me:

While personality assessments only explain what you do, the Color Code delves deeper to determine why you do what you do by uncovering your driving core motive—the innermost reason why you do what you do. Instruments that describe simply what you do (behavior-based) aren't telling you anything you don't know already. In order to improve your life and relationships, you need to understand why you do what you do (motive-based).

As an academically trained psychologist, I love personality tests. (Testing is also part of what introduced me to Mr. Cents, but that’s a different story entirely.) I’ve taken a countless number of personality tests and relish the opportunity to take any test that will gleam insight into my psyche or that of anyone else. Management profile questionnaire? Check. Job interest inventory? Check. Quizzes in fashion magazines? Check. Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)? At least 20 times.
Even though I love tests, I was skeptical. What insight could this test possibly give me? Wasn’t this just another version of the MBTI? And the answer is….kind of, but not exactly. From my endless retakes of the MBTI, I know all about HOW I react to situations, so much so that my behavior in any given situation is quite predictable. What I don’t necessarily understand is WHY, and how to change those behaviors that are less desirable. Why do I struggle with different parts of my personality? Why do I experience deviations in my typical behavior, and why do I go through periods of boredom and elation with the exact same stimulus? The answer may be due to conflicting core motivations.

This is a picture of my results:



The biggest piece of the pie is blue, followed by a strong secondary preference to white (54.22% Blue, 21.09% White).

So, for the most part, my personality stems from blue motivations, which revolve around people and intimacy. Famous blue personalities are Oprah, Princess Diana, etc.
Here are some insights into my core motivation as a primarily “blue” person: (all italicized text below is taken directly from my individual personality profile. If the color code interests you, take a test drive at http://www.colorcode.com/.)

Blues are motivated by intimacy. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give of themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives.

As a blue, more than anything else life can offer, you want to love and be loved. For you, life is far more about relationships and meaning than about creating empires, riches, and fame.

You crave being understood and will go to extreme measures to spark others’ desire to know you and understand why you think and behave as you do. (Hmm…this could explain my undying devotion to all things psychology and my newfound interest in blogging)

You prefer doing for others more than solely for yourself. You expend such great effort in making the world a better place that you often need to be told and shown how much you are appreciated for your thoughtful gestures and what a difference you make in others’ lives. You may feel somewhat awkward receiving praise, but always enjoy knowing at the end of the day that you truly are a wonderful human being and made a tremendous contribution. (All true, much as I hesitate to admit that I’m a sucker for adoration, it is definitely a key motivating factor in certain things I do.)

You need to care for others and have people in your life that care about you. Your life is measured more in people of substance than in material possessions. For you, loyalty is unquestionable. You thrive in committed relationships and can be counted on to perform your duties. (Ok, ok - I get it, I’m a people person.)

You have a personal moral code that guides you in your decision-making, value judgments, and your leisure time. You actually enjoy "being good." You like to do the work "right" and can struggle with delegating to others who may not share your same enthusiasm for quality. (This is very true. I’d rather lose than lie or even stretch the truth. Unfortunately for those close to me it also means I am passionate about my beliefs and must let them know the morality I see in the world, or lack thereof.)

You enjoy a tremendous advantage over other personalities in the area of empathy. Feeling compassion for others is not a difficult stretch, regardless of your own limited life experience. You tend to remember feelings and thoughts shared in conversation and you are usually willing to give conversations time to run their course. (I am ridiculously empathetic. I have been known to cry at television commercials and was always the shoulder to cry on growing up. People tend to gravitate to me, and I’ve never understood why. Perhaps it has something to do with compassion.)

You are deeply emotional, as opposed to logical, but because of your tremendous analytical skills you often err in thinking of yourself as logical versus emotional. Nice try. (I must stop deluding myself that I have a logical bone in my body, somewhere…).

The Secondary Color – Or why I’m so conflicted

The disadvantage of possessing a secondary color is the challenge it presents to being true to your blue core-you may send mixed signals. One moment you will act blue while another moment you will act white. This behavior can confuse people and make it difficult for them to know how you will react to any given situation. In other words, you may appear to be more inconsistent than would a purist, or someone who does not possess a strong secondary color.

People like you. They find you easy to enjoy and can tell that you have legitimate substance. Your strength is rarely offsetting to others who find you personable but never pushy, interested but never demanding, quiet but never boring. It is a wonderful complementary blend of emotion and logic. You can empathize easily with people, yet seldom move into heavy judgment or criticism. You like being with others but find your own company easy to enjoy.

You have a keen sense of intuition and can feel what others are feeling or thinking while engaging them in conversation. You reach out to people up, down, and across an organization with relative ease and typically strike a strong balance between sharing and listening. You enjoy the whites’ gift of egolessness and therefore can laugh at yourself (although you most certainly will be embarrassed!) and allow others to have the last word. You speak to the issues but enjoy hearing how others feel about any given topic.

You tend to live a rather common life, in that you let others stand in the limelight and don’t find high risk a particularly enjoyable venture. You can subjugate your needs for those of more selfish individuals but always seem to find the time and the opportunity for self-expression when it is necessary. You are rarely disappointed like blues or emotionally ignored or abused like whites.

Your personality combination enables you to move fluidly through life with remarkable ease. You seek more gregarious and intense individuals socially and find them to be a positive force in creating options for you. You keep your self-doubts to yourself but freely reveal them when asked. You have difficulty speaking your mind in combative circumstances but remain solid in your beliefs regardless of others’ expressed viewpoints to the contrary. Nonetheless, you are open to changing your perspective when provided meaningful data.

You value Intimacy but will miss opportunities if it requires conflict. You choose your battles intuitively and won’t necessarily force issues when you deem it unnecessary. People find you to be honest and committed, but may have to ask you about specific issues to know where you stand. You are not particularly interested in gossip, especially when it is hurtful. Sometimes you speak your mind while other times you remain silent; it all depends on what you deem worthy of pursuing.

You are often amazed at your life and work success because you rarely give yourself the credit you deserve. You see your limitations much more candidly than your strengths. While others are enjoying your gifts, you are often wishing you were better. You are often remembered for your solid, unflappable nature. People find you to always be a welcome addition in any situation. You do your part, while forgiving others who neglect to do theirs.

In summary, my color profile emphasizes my strengths – an intuitive, empathetic nature that allows me to form positive relationships with most people; a strong commitment to the quality of my work and the depth of my loyalty; and an overall sense that the world needs a little bit of help. It also told me a little more about the weaknesses inherent in my personality that I will be challenged to overcome – a low tolerance for conflict, a tendency to second guess myself or to take things too personally.

Later on, I’ll dive more into my personality profile through actions and awareness. If you’d like to join my on my mission to develop my emotional intelligence, feel free to comment and do any of the activities yourself. You can always learn a little more about yourself, and in turn, make your relationships with others even more effective.

Stay tuned for more common cents!